


Our Perfect Baby Boy

by Zeeline



Category: Dancing with the Stars (US) RPF, Figure Skating RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 07:42:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1849966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeeline/pseuds/Zeeline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This fic brings up a serious topic that is not often talked about, but happens to thousands of mothers every year. </p><p>This is a fic full of angst and no happy ending, but it’s worth the read.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Perfect Baby Boy

**Author's Note:**

> I bawled writing this fic, but I just had to write it. I have tried to be as medical correct as possible, but I’m no doctor. I hope you like it.
> 
> Mature rating due to the nature of the topic
> 
> It was written a long time ago, so there has been some rewriting.

She blinked a few times, trying to remember where she was. Seeing that she was in the living room she realized she must have fallen asleep, which happens all the time these days. It was hard to get a full night sleep, finding a comfortable position was impossible. The body pillow Maks had gotten for her was a big help, but still didn't provide her enough comfort to get through a full night of sleep. Usually she got woken up by a kick to the bladder, sending her to the bathroom as quickly as she could waddle herself to it.

They had been cuddled up in the house all weekend, but were rapidly running out of food so they had decided to go to the store. She had felt tired after the long week and decided to stay at home, trying to catch up on some sleep. He wasn't back yet, so she couldn't have slept that long. Her hand went to her stomach. He had gotten more and more active as she got further along, now at 32 weeks it was starting to get crammed in there for him, according to the doctor. It didn't prevent him from kicking her in the ribs or bladder or whatever else he found amusing.

Maks loved rubbing his hand over her bare belly, and so did she. Maks would talk to him and he would respond by kicking, letting him know that he was in there, waiting to come out to this world and join them when he was ready. The weekends were the best; they had time to stay in bed, just marvel at the wonder that was growing inside her. This morning the baby was sleeping so they had just relaxed and enjoyed each other. Soon there would be no time.

Her hand went to her belly. Feeling no movement, she tried to think of the last time she did. The last time she could remember was the morning before: he had woken her around 5 am, his signature kick to her bladder; but not this morning. She tried to push her belly, knowing that he would usually kick when she did that, but nothing. Getting up she started pacing back and forth over the living room floor. Staring at the watch she was wondering when Maks would be coming home. She didn't want to count the hours since she had felt the last him move.

Hearing someone at the door she walked as quickly as she could to meet who she hoped was Maks. He smiled when he saw her, his arms full of grocery bags.

"Hey you, did you sleep well?"

"He is not moving."

"What?"

Laying a hand on her belly she repeated.

"He is not moving."

"He is probably just sleeping."

"No, I haven't felt him move since yesterday morning."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. I haven't felt him move" She was getting hysterical.

Putting down the grocery bags, he walked over to her and put a hand on her stomach and one cradling her face.

"Hey, calm down. Have you tried drinking a glass of ice water?”

She shook her head and ran, as best as she could, into the kitchen, grabbed a glass and filled it up with ice water. She gulped down as much as she could, her hand constantly on her stomach, her eyes at Maks the whole time. No reaction.

“He isn’t moving”

“I'll call the doctor and see what she says"

She just nodded, leaning into his chest. He guided her over to the chair and helped her sit down. Placing a kiss on her forehead he got the phone and dialed the doctor’s number. Getting the doctor at the other end he explained what she had told him. He listened to what the doctor had to say and hung up.

"She said that most likely everything is okay, but she wants us to come and do an ultrasound. Just to be sure and to calm both of us."

She looked up at him, tears in her eyes.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. He was probably moving around while you were sleeping and now that you have been moving around he has fallen asleep. You know how he has been doing that."

He tried to reassure her, but he wasn't sure it was working. Helping her up from the chair he guided her out to his car and helped her in. Running around to the other side, not wanting to leave her alone for a sec, he got in. He started the car and glided out of the driveway, grabbing a hold of her hand. She looked at him and he tried to give her a reassuring smile.

Arriving at the hospital, they went up to the maternity floor and met the doctor at the front desk. She guided them into an exam room and asked Meryl to please get up on the table and lift her shirt. She did as the doctor asked her to, making sure Maks was at her side. Lifting her shirt, he looked at her belly. The belly he loved to rub, and talk to and feel the movement under it. He grabbed her hand as the doctor put the clear gel on her stomach.

Placing the probe on the stomach, she smeared the gel around before she started to look at the screen. Meryl was afraid to look and kept looking at Maks. He looked back and forth between her and the screen. The sound wasn't on, the last time they had an ultrasound they had heard the heartbeat and it was so fast, the most beautiful sound in the world. But now it was silent, nothing but the breathing from the 3 of them.

He could see that the doctor had found the baby, but kept moving the probe around to get a picture from different angles. After a short while without saying anything, she removed the probe. Both of them looked up at her, she didn't have to say anything; they both knew right away that it was true. Their precious baby boy was gone before he had a chance to live outside the womb.

Unlike the last time they waited to hear if there was a heartbeat there was not a sound from Meryl this time. He looked at her but she was just staring at the doctor. He pulled her into my arms, trying to give some sort of comfort, but it was like she wasn't there. He wondered what she was thinking. All he could think about was their baby boy. He would never see the light of day, never feel what it's like to be in Meryl's arms, and never hear her sing to him. The doctor left them alone for a little while before she came back in again. Meryl was still in his arms, she still hadn't said a word. The doctor began to talk.

"I am so sorry for what has happened. Right now I can not give you any reason as to why, but we might be able to later. This happens for several reasons, and very often it's for reasons we don't know. Still, it doesn't make it any easier."

She paused for half a minute before she continued.

"Mrs. Chmerkovskiy, as you are 32 weeks along, you have to give birth, even if it is still born. I'm sorry. In these situations your body will naturally put you into labor within the next two weeks. It is the safest way and the way I would recommend, but you also have the option of being induced. What you decide is up to you."

They just looked at her, not knowing what to do, what to say. Maks looked at his wife, trying to see if there was any indication of what she wanted to do. Nothing. Her face was expressionless, her eyes vacant. He looked at the doctor and said.

"Is it okay for me to take her home?"

"We have to run a few more tests on your wife, but after that you may take her home. Give her time, it's going to be hard...for both of you. You have my number, both at home and at work. If there is anything I can do, don't hesitate to call."

A nurse came in and took Meryl's blood pressure and a blood test. With the promise to call that evening to get the result of the test, he was allowed to take her home.

He looked at his wife again. There was no response from her. He got her up to a standing position and guided her out of the room. They passed a new mother pushing her hospital bassinet with her newborn baby in front of her. Meryl looked at her before she just continued walking. There was no reaction.

They walked out to the car and he got her into the passenger seat. They drove home in silence. As they got to the house he ran around the car and opened the door for her. She gave no indication that she was planning to move so he unbuckled her and guided her out of the car. Once inside he didn't know what to do but to take her up to the bedroom. But as he got there he realized what a mistake it was. In the bedroom the crib and everything for the baby was already set up. He looked at her to see her reaction, but there was nothing.

He was getting worried. Ever since the doctor confirmed what she had feared she hadn't said a word. He didn't want her to stay in their bedroom so he took her to the guest room. She laid down on the bed, right on the edge facing him, but not looking at him. Lying down next to her he moved all the way up against her back. He was about to put his arm around her belly like he usually would do, but he couldn't make himself do it.

There was no longer life inside her belly. He would no longer feel his son’s tiny feet push against his hand or see the belly move as he did. Not knowing what to do, he placed his hand on her hips. He had to touch her, let her know that he was there. But she didn’t seem to notice.

Some time had passed, how long he didn’t know, when his phone started ringing. He got up from the bed slowly, trying not to wake her, but he knew she wasn’t sleeping, just like he hadn’t. He left the room to answer the phone, closing the door almost all the way as he did.

“Yeah?”

“Hey, it’s me man, what’s up? Want some company?”

“Hi Val, now is not a good time man.”

“What is going on?”

He didn’t know what to say. It was something he should talk to Meryl about, but right now he didn’t even know if he could get a word out of her, much less a decision of some sort.

“We just got back from the hospital.”

“The hospital? What’s wrong? Is Meryl alright? The baby?

“No, everything is not alright. Meryl hadn’t felt the baby move since yesterday morning so we went in to do an ultrasound, just to be sure. The baby is gone.”

“Gone? What do you mean gone? Did she deliver early?”

“No, she hasn’t delivered yet, but the baby is dead. They don’t know why yet. Listen, I have to get back to Meryl. Can you please talk to mom and have her call Meryl’s mom? I don’t want to talk to anyone right now, but I don’t know what to do.”

“Sure, no problem. Call if you need anything.”

“Yeah.”

He hung up, staring at the phone in his hand. He knew he should be the one telling his and her mom, but all he wanted to do was to curl back into bed with Meryl and pretend it’s all not true. Telling someone made it so much more true and the more he told, the more true it would be. At least that is how it felt like. But he knew, it was true and there was nothing he could do about it.

Walking back into the guest room he bent down in front of the bed, facing his wife. She had the same vacant look on her face. He nudged her, trying to get a reaction, and she looked at him.

"Are you hungry?"

She just stared at him.

"You should eat something, remember you are eating for....."

He stopped before he finished the sentence, but it was too late. She knew what it meant. He used to say it all the time and she would always tell him that that wasn't really the case. He would love for her to correct him, but the same vacant look was back.

He went downstairs and made some food and drinks for both of them. Arriving back at the room, Meryl was pacing. Putting the food down he walked over and stopped her.

“Hey, you alright?”

Stupid question, of course she was not alright, but he hoped she understood what he meant. Why was she up pacing the floor? She looked at him, same vacant look, but she looked calmer. Guiding her back to the bed he brought her the food and drink. She didn’t touch it. Taking the glass in his hand he gave it to her, and she actually drank some before she gave it back. He got the same result when he gave her the sandwich. It wasn’t much, but at least it was something.

After they eat in silence she got back on the bed. He was about to walk out with the food when she got out of the bed again and started pacing. He got it. She didn’t want him to leave. So he left the food and got into bed with her.

They hadn’t slept much, but they both passed out in the early hours of the morning. Meryl was still asleep so he carefully got up from the bed, took the food and went downstairs. To his surprise the house was full of people.

“Maksim” His mom was the first to see him.

“You are all here.”

“Yeah, we want to help.” someone said

“I don’t think there is anything you can do. Right now we just have to wait.”

“Wait? What do you mean wait?”

“We have to wait until Meryl goes into labor.”

“But….”

The argument died. No one wanted to say it. The baby was dead. He looked at his friends, their friends, before he said.

“Right now there is nothing you guys can do. Meryl hasn’t said a word since we found out. I don’t want to leave her alone for too long, she gets nervous if I’m gone. She is finally sleeping and I have to call the doctor. Thank you for coming, but right now I just want to be with my wife.”

He turned and looked at his mom, silently asking her to deal with everything. She nodded and he went back upstairs. Making sure Meryl was still sleeping, he called the doctor. He told her what was going on with Meryl and that he was worried. The doctor told him as long as the situation didn’t get worse she was okay, just to make sure she got enough fluids and something to eat once in a while. She also said that the blood test came back okay, so there was no reason for Meryl not to stay at home.

§ § § § § § § § §

For 4 days now Meryl had been walking around the house as a ghost. She hadn't said a word to him, but he had managed to communicate with her somehow. He even got her to eat a few times. Neither had gotten much sleep, but he had passed out a few times and he knew she had as well. This must have been one of those times as he felt someone nudge him awake.

"It's time."

It was all she said. He knew what it meant. She had a bag in her hand, ready to go. He got out of the chair and walked over to her. Taking her hand he led her out of the house, grabbing the car keys as he passed them in the hallway. The ride to the hospital was done in silence, but he could see that she was having contractions. It looked painful, but she didn't say anything.

Their primary doctor met them and guided them into a room at the end of the hall, away from the mothers who got to take their babies home with them. As they entered Maks saw a drawing of a rainbow next to the door. As they got into the room he was happy to see that they were alone. It was a calm room, nothing bright, just an unnatural calmness about the room.

The doctor started talking to Meryl and she just answered in a few words. He helped her get changed into a gown and they examined her to see how far along she was. There was no need to monitor the baby. Her contractions where 5 min apart and lasting for about 45 seconds. She was still in early labor according to the doctor and it could still take a while. It still meant that she must have been in labor for a while back at the house. Why hadn't she told him anything?

The doctor asked if Meryl wanted an epidural or any other form of pain medication, but she just shook her head. Since it was still early labor she was allowed to walk around. They would come back and check on her. Seeing as Meryl was okay at the moment, I followed the doctor outside.

"How is she doing?"

"I don't know. She hasn't talked to me since we were here 4 days ago."

"Any other form of communication?"

"Yeah, she'll nod or shake her head if you ask her something, but no words."

"I'm sorry. Hopefully things will change once the baby is born. It's hard for a mother to walk around knowing that her baby no longer lives. And she is a mother, even if the baby is stillborn. And you are a father. Don’t forget that."

He just nodded. This was all still overwhelming. As the doctor was about to leave he remembered the drawing.

"Doctor, what does this drawing mean?"

"It's just to let everyone else at work and later shifts to the fact that it's a sensitive situation that goes on behind the door."

"Oh..."

He turned around and walked back in again. Meryl was in the bed, another contraction riding her body. Walking up to her she looked up at him.

"Do you want me to rub your back?"

She nodded and he walked over to the other side and started to rub her back. Even if they had shared a bed the past days it was the most physical contact they have had since that first night. He had tried, but it was like she didn't want him to touch her, but she wanted him in the room. Whenever he left she usually got up and paced around the room, but would relax as soon as he came back.

Hours went by. He hated seeing her in pain like this, nothing he could do. She didn’t say anything, not a word, but he could see it was painful for her. A nurse came in and checked her every 30min. After about an hour he noticed that her contractions were getting stronger. The contractions were now over a minute each and coming every 5 min. The nurse said she had entered active labor and if she wanted she could take a warm bath. He looked at her and she nodded.

Entering the bathroom he helped her undress and get into the warm water. Even if the contractions were painful he could see that the warm water was helping her. At first she stayed on her back, but later got up on all four, bending over the edge. Taking a sponge, he dipped it in the water and moved it across her back, at the same time whispering encouraging words into her ear. They had been to a lamas class and the breathing techniques seemed to help her. He only wished she would talk to him.

Time passed, he didn’t know how long, but it had been hours. Meryl had gotten out of the bathtub and walked around for a while, leaning onto him every time she had a contraction. They were now coming every 2.5 min and lasted over a min. They seemed to be very painful, but she didn’t say a word. The nurse said she was now in transition, meaning she was dilating from 8-10 cm. Meryl was shivering and he was worried, but the doctor said it was perfectly normal.

Seeing the pain she was in, all he could do was to keep encouraging her, letting her know what a great job she was doing. A nurse was with us the while time now. After about an hour she called for the doctor, Meryl was now fully dilated. The contractions eased up a bit, giving her time rest a little between each of them. He kept encouraging her, held her hand and washed her face with a cold washcloth. She didn’t say a thing, but was breathing like lamas class had thought her. The nurse kept talking her way through it, and after another 30min she were finally allowed to push. It was hard on her, and she seemed to run out of strength. The nurse told him to get up in bed behind her and he did. They worked together. Pushing for each contracting, relaxing while waiting for the next one. Having Maks behind her seemed to give her new strength.

The doctor told them that he could see the head and Meryl seemed to have a stronger urge to push. They told her to hold back, to pant, to let the baby gradually move to prevent tear. A few more gentle push and his head is out. Meryl gave a final push and the baby was out. The room was in complete silence. Not a sound. No newborn wailing, no joyful exclamations from the parents, just silence.

“He is a perfect baby boy”

The nurse said, making it real. He was a real baby, and they were his parents. Even if he never got to live, they were his parents, and he was their little baby boy. The nurse took him and left the room. The doctor finished up with Meryl and Maks just sat there. There was nothing he could do to make the pain she was feeling go away. Make what he was feeling go away. They hadn’t even had a chance to say goodbye to their little boy.

The nurse came in again 20min later, with the baby in her arms. He was wrapped in a blanket with a tiny blue hat on. She came over and stood in front of Meryl. At first she didn’t look at her, but after a short while she did. The nurse placed the baby in her arms.

They both looked at him. His tiny hands, both of them perfect with 5 fingers on each. His dark hair, his tiny foot sticking out from the blanket, 5 perfect toes and he was sure there was the same on the other one. It looked like he was sleeping, just sleeping. Why wasn’t he just sleeping? Meryl let her finger run across his face, and then it happen, what he have been waiting for since they were at the hospital just 4 days ago. She broke down and cried, cried for their beautiful baby boy. Their little boy who they would never take home to his crib, never watch grow up, that he would never get to teach how to dance with. Gathering Meryl in his arms he cried with her, cried for the life that never got to live.

The nurse and the doctor left them, telling them to take as long as they wanted, as long as they needed. Once they left, Meryl looked at Maks, tears in her eyes. The vacant stare was gone. Replaced by sadness, but at least it was better than the vacant stare. He kissed her forehead, just holding her, letting her know that he was there. She asked him to get her the bag she had brought in to the hospital. The first full sentence since that day they found out. He got it and placed it on the bed. She looked at him, asking him without words if he wanted to hold the baby. He took him from her.

Maks still couldn’t come to term with how perfect he was, his tiny little mouth and nose and ears. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. This was going to be the best day of their life, the day their baby boy was born, but instead it was the worst day of their life, the day their baby boy was still born. He looked at Meryl and she had found a tiny blue baby outfit, with a matching hat. Laying him down on the bed, together they unwrapped him, let their hands run over his perfect little body. He was still warm. Why wasn’t he just sleeping?

Once he was all dressed and back in Meryl’s arms she looked at me and said.

“We have to give him a name”

“Yeah…”

“Do you have any suggestions?”

“What about Paul Aleksandr?”

He wasn’t sure how she would react, naming their still born child after their fathers.

“It’s perfect”

The tears that had stopped for a while were now back, for both of them.

Later, he didn't know how much time had passed; the nurse came back in again. She had a tiny blue box with her. Standing by the bed she opened it and showed them what was inside. There was a paper with both his hand prints and his foot print, so tiny, not even an inch long. Along with it was a cast of both his hands and feet, and a few other things. She told them it was a memory box, for them to take home. She asked if they had taken any pictures and he shook his head. Asking if they wanted to, he looked at Meryl. He knew she would want a picture of their perfect baby boy. Maks found the camera, it was in the bag Meryl had with her. He didn’t think she repacked before coming here. Giving the camera to the nurse he got back in the bed before she took a few and left them again.

A few hours later Meryl had fallen asleep, with Paul Aleksandr in her arms. The nurse came again and asked how they were doing, all considering. He told her they had finally started the mourning process. She asked him if we wanted an autopsy to which he said yes. Maks knew Meryl would want answers. They continued to talk about funeral arrangements and other practical things, his eyes never leaving Meryl and their baby boy. The nurse left after getting the answers she was looking for.

When Meryl woke up an hour later she looked at him and said.

“I don’t want to, but we have to. We have to say goodbye.”

“I know.”

She made room for him on the bed and he sat down next to her. With one arm around her, the other around Paul Aleksandr, they said goodbye to their little baby boy together. Although their son would never breath the air of this world, or reached out his fingers to touch another person, he knew he had deeply affected their lives. As their final goodbye to their perfect baby boy, Meryl sang him a lullaby.

Sleep my child and peace attend thee,  
All through the night  
Guardian angels God will send thee,  
All through the night  
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,  
Hill and dale in slumber sleeping  
I my loved ones' watch am keeping,  
All through the night

Angels watching, e'er around thee,  
All through the night  
Midnight slumber close surround thee,  
All through the night  
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,  
Hill and dale in slumber sleeping  
I my loved ones' watch am keeping,  
All through the night


End file.
